by
Steve Lazarowitz
The Lost Episode
HOW TO WRITE A BESTSELLER
Writing a bestselling book is not as hard as most people believe. That's right, you too can be a millionaire, virtually overnight, when you follow the simple steps listed below.
1. Locate an idea that no one else has ever thought of, that will change the way the public thinks or feels.
2. Write a book using this idea as a central premise.
3. Place your manuscript in an envelope and mail it to a publishing house.
4. When you receive it in the mail, sign the contract.
5. Receive your advance and invest it wisely.
Let's take these one at a time. First you need an idea. A gripping idea. Something never done before. That's the easy part. The hard part is making it something that would be significant to enough of the reading public.
For example, a book entitled The Scent of Cheese, is not likely to be a bestseller. Nor is The Music of Garbage Trucks. Ten Ways to Blind Yourself is also not likely to make you a lot of money. You need something catchy, deep and totally mind-bending. 101 Ways to Get Your Ex-wife to Stop Asking You For Money. Games You Can Play with Your Bosses Head that Won't Get You Fired. How to Insult People and Get Paid. Free Vacations to Paradise. These are more of the sort of books people are looking for.
Once you have your idea, you're most of the way there. All you have to do is...
2. Write a book that uses your idea as a central premise.
Of course, writing a book is more than just putting words on a sheet of paper. You have to put words on a LOT of paper. You need a lot of words. Also, it helps if they make some sort of sense. You need to put the words together in such a way that they will make an impression on the reading public. Here is a bad example of putting words together.
"No, Mr. Singer, I can not perform the surgery to seperate your siamese goldfish."
Here, on the other hand, is the way should should do it.
"You too can be rich and successful, without doing an ounce of work or investing any time or money. Shouldn't take you more than three days."
Study the sentences above and you'll soon see what makes one successful and the other a dud.
3. Place Your Manuscript in an envelope and mail it to a publishing house.
Again, this is fairly easy, as long as you place enough postage on the envelope to get it there. If you're going to enclose a cover letter, try not to sound too pretensious. Editors tend to laugh at you, when you tell them you're going to be the #1 best seller on the New York Times Bestsellers List. Instead shoot for 5 or 6.
4. When you recieve it in the mail, sign the contract.
If you can't understand this simple instruction, how did you ever reach this part of the plan?
5. Receive your advance and invest it wisely.
Remember that part of the money you make will need to go to taxes so don't blow it all. I personally like to use a percentage of my income to bribe congressmen to change tax laws for writers. If more writers thought this way, I could spend my advances more frivilously. Also, try only to sell books when the Republicans have control of the congress, as those tax cuts are sure to help.
If, after following this simple plan you do not instantly become a millionaire...
Then go out and get yourself a day job, while you write at night, just like the rest of us.
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