by
Steve Lazarowitz
September 2001
VIRTUAL RENAISSANCE FAIRE
It is my understanding that some of you, for whatever reason, have never gotten around to attending a Renaissance Faire, hereafter referred to as Ren Faire. I know it's hard to believe, but there are people reading this that are virgins. I think everyone that has never been to a Ren Fair should have to walk around with a scarlet "V" on their chest, every day of their lives, until they correct the situation.
Now, as it happens, I am a very thoughtful and understanding author. It occurred to me that, having recently returned from such a Faire, I could use my words to bring you there and give you a taste of what it is like. Those of you who are Ren Sluts, if you'll pardon the stretched analogy, will no doubt fondly remember the last Faire they attended. Those of you who have never had the pleasure, will hopefully get some idea. And perhaps I shall get some positive karma for sharing my experience with so many of you. It's the least I can do for a virgin.
I will avoid telling you about the trip to Sterling Forest, except to say that my friend Howard was driving and that after a stop a Dunkin Donuts, we had to open the window a few times to air out the car. Next time, Howard will not be allowed to drink coffee.
The remainder of our party consisted of Kara (my personal wench) and my stepdaughter Lisa (who is too young to be a wench). Kara and I were in full Renaissance Garb, while Lisa wore a lovely brown dress she'd worn to her recent graduation. Howard looked like a Japanese tourist, toting a backpack and digital camera, but there's one in every crowd. As Kara put it, all he was missing was an "I love New York" tee shirt. He'd considered going as a Viking, but never got around to picking up a costume, for which he blamed me. Go figure.
We arrived at 10:30 AM, half an hour after the official opening. Being an experienced Ren Faire attendee, I know we missed the Queen's opening parade and the setup for the day, which involves an introduction to the players. The story goes something like this. The Queen's arch enemy, the notorious Sheriff of Nottingham, interrupts her morning festivities, attempting to bring an end to the Queen's celebration. The rest of the day involves a battle between the forces of good and the forces of evil. Being a writer I usually favor evil, but good always wins.
The battles between the sides include an insult contest, a human chess game and a joust. This year, because we missed the setup, we just wandered into what might have looked something like a medieval village, if more of the surrounding throngs would wear garb.
A word of warning. If you're going to attend a Ren Faire, make sure you take a LOT of money with you. The admission price of $17 a person, does not begin to cover the day's expenses and you will want a souvenir or three. Anyway, I now delve into character and will not emerge until you cry mercy.
The street was lined with shops. Merchants loudly hawked their wares. I immediately purchased a floral headpiece for Lisa (an old tradition) and she was quite striking in it. Kara's ample cleavage was also quite striking and more than once, I was struck for staring at it or, more often, the cleavage of others.
Among the mercantile offerings were blown glass, swords and armor, fairies and dragons (ceramic, stuffed, carved, molded, painted and just about anything else you can think of). There were booths that braided hair and others that offered face and body painting.
By the way, anyone not in garb, I consider a tourist. I tend to greet and talk to them all day long. Many think that, because I am in garb, I am one of the actors employed by the Faire. In reality, I just like to talk to strangers. I get a kick out of entertaining them, and most of the time, I succeed. I think, if I didn't have a day job already, I would enjoy working there.
Garbed players filled the streets and spoke to us, either just greeting us with a "Good day" or sprinkling us with fairy dust. The Ren Faire folk are friendly and funny. Minstrels walk around or play on stage, everything from guitars and flutes, to dulcimers and harps. People walk by eating huge turkey drumsticks or pickles, drinking beer or soda. The air is alive with passersby having a good time. Much of the humor is at the expense of the tourists, but it is good-natured and invariably entertaining.
I stopped to play several games (all at two dollars a piece), including knife and ax throwing. I tried to climb a nearly horizontal rope ladder to reach a bell (failed miserably) and tried various other games of chance/skill. The only thing I succeeded at (for which I attained a gold sticker) was shuriken throwing, with which I've had a bit of experience. Still it was great fun, because I never expect to win at those things. I just like to part with money.
Our next stop was a quiet woodland path lined with the huts of fortune tellers. Readings for adults start at about twenty dollars. Since I enjoy that sort of thing, I walked back and forth, found a tarot reader I liked the looks of and had my fortune told. I have usually been able to extract some deeper truth from having my cards read and this time was no different. Thoughtful and rested (since I was sitting for the entire twenty minutes), we continued on to the next area of the Faire.
The first show we caught, featured Thomas the Juggler, an entertaining lad who not only juggled balls and pins, but also knives. He was a fire eater as well. His patter was funny enough to be a show in and of itself, but his skill was such that he made even manipulating a single ball, something to be much admired.
A short distance from the stage from which Thomas had entertained us, we found a maze. It was probably better for smaller children, but Lisa liked it anyway. It took her five or ten minutes to find her way out. It took me less time, but I doubled back to stalk her, which is always fun.
A short distance past the maze lurked the House of Pain. This small but informative exhibit was my favorite of the day. For the price of a mere three dollars, you could walk inside a dark age torture chamber. Inside, three guides tell you about each torture in vivid detail, giving you an historic glimpse into what it might be like to suffer that particular hell. My favorite was being skinned alive. Here are just a couple of tidbits from that description.
Different knives were used to skin a person, each with the name of a different body part engraved into the hilt. Knives were drawn at random. The torturer would then peel the skin from the part of the victim's body named on the hilt. This way, the victim does not know what will be the next part of his body assaulted. The brain can not prepare for it and it keeps the pain alive longer. They also would throw salt on the wounds, not just to kill the pain, but to cauterize it, so that you would not bleed to death. According to one of the guides with a thick Scottish accent, a skilled torturer could keep a victim alive for eight or nine days.Of course, it was after that particular exhibit that Lisa announced she was hungry. I didn't have much of an appetite, but that turned out to be okay, as the wait for food resembled the line for Space Mountain at Disneyworld. Fortunately, the lines were conveniently located in the broiling sun, so that by the time I reached the front of it, all images of torture had been burned from my brain (along with anything else that might have been there).
In fact, Lisa and I waited so long on one line, we missed a thrill show that Kara and Howard assured us was excellent. Kara took pictures, but it's not quite the same.
After more browsing, we returned to the House of Pain, so Kara and Howard could bring home some violently disturbing images too. Then it was off to our final stop of the day, the Mud Show. This is, for me, an almost annual event, though Kara had never seen it before. It is essentially a comedy show in which three beggars use mud to gross us out. It is more fun and silly than gross, but it remains one of my favorites, despite the shameless begging for money that is part of the goings on.
During the day, I had purchased a new hat for my garb (a must on a day when the sun burned so strongly), a couple of souvenir mugs, a program that contained the schedule, a necklace and hair piece for Kara and a necklace and a pair of horns for Lisa. I stayed away from the armories and weaponsmiths (my true weakness) and some of the other more tempting areas as well, thus saving myself a small fortune. I have been informed by Kara however, that we will be going back, so there will be more opportunity to bankrupt myself.
This year's Faire was similar in many ways to Faires gone by, similar to the ones that may be found all over the country. If you have any interest in Fantasy or medieval history, find the Faire nearest you and give it a shot. For this weary traveler, it is a bright spot each summer, well worth the time and expense.
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