Mark Rapacioli is no longer an author. By his own admission, he doesn't have the patience to write. Yet he has the patience to edit. Go figure. I met Mark back in my Jackhammer days. He was always throwing in wry comments on the message board. He seemed like a nice guy and funny too. So it came as no surprise that he founded Planet Relish E-Zine. I had the pleasure of appearing in several issues of Planet Relish, including the very first Issue #0, for which I received a Planet Relish T-shirt. (Two actually, but don't tell anyone. I didn't declare them on my tax form.)

I also had the pleasure of meeting Mark at Lunacon in Rye Brook, NY, which might explain why I moved to the Southern Hemisphere.

But probably not. I have to be nice to Mark. He's the only person who laughs at my jokes.

Steve:  What would be some of the advantages of a black and white rainbow?

Mark:  My favorite authors are Douglas Adams and Terry Pratchett; the biggest comedic influence in life is Monty Python; no, I do not own any cats though I do have a couple of spiders in the kitchen; and my ideas come from... ummm... hang on a minute, what did you just ask me? I thought this was an interview.

Steve:  You can take a vacation anywhere you want, as long as you do it as a woman. Where would you go and why?

Mark:  Mars, because I've never been there. So when do we leave, big boy?

Steve:  As an editor, you've probably pissed off at least a couple of authors. Why should we let you live?

Mark:  You shouldn’t. Please kill me now, so I may haunt your every nightmare, possess your microwave oven and watch your girlfriend while she's in the shower.

Steve:   Is it true you once wore a hat made of condoms?

Mark:  No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! A thousand times... er... maybe.

Steve:  Recently, it's been discussed in scientific circles that Pluto might not be a planet at all. What makes Planet Relish a planet and where the hell is it located anyway?

Mark:  Rumor has it that Planet Relish is not a planet; that it's actually a magazine, available on the World Wide Web, for free, at http://www.planetrelish.com, and has been in publication since the summer of 1999, when the first issue, appropriately titled Issue #0, was released. Then again, a contrary rumor has it that Planet Relish is in the Mayonnaise Galaxy and is orbited by the Mustard Moon. On that second rumor, all I can say at this time is: No condiment.

Steve:  Why are you doing this to me?

Mark:  It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again. It does this whenever it's told.

Steve:   What two words should never be said together in the same sentence?

Mark:  Pork.

Steve:  So, what are you wearing?

Mark:  Thin.

Steve:  Anything else you'd like to tell us, now that we're convinced of your insanity (translation into authorese, promote yourself, dammit!)?

Mark:  Well, I'm six-foot-two, a hundred ninety -– okay, okay, two hundred ten. I'm a divorced dad and currently unattached. I enjoy long walks on the beach, lighthouses and sunsets. I like horses and kittens, though not mixed together in the same dish, and my hobbies are strangling animals, golf and masturbating. [He must have let himself down a bit on the hobbies, golf's not very popular around here. – Ed.] Hey, who said that? Is that you, Ed? Dammit, this is my interview, now get out of my head, Ed! Don't make me chase you with the sledgehammer....

Hey, wait, Steve! Come back here, I'm not finished! I'm not....

        

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