I feel like I've been reading Stephen Goldin's books forever. The Eternity Brigade is one of my favorites, but I've also greatly enjoyed his other work. When I was growing up, I found myself on a relentless search for his books, which I remain on till this day.
In Chicago, at the 58th World Science Fiction Convention, I got to sit down and eat lunch with him, my highlight of the con. I am happy to say Stephen Goldin is one of those authors who's as nice as he is talented.
Here's what he had to say in this Author Interview from Hell.
Steve: It's the year 2100. What's the new taboo?
Stephen: By 2100 we will have learned to control the weather on a small scale. It will be possible, for instance, to create a small rainshower within a couple blocks radius. This could lead to its own problems, however. You might want a shower to water your lawn, only to discover that your neighbor has scheduled her daughter's outdoor wedding for that day, which would be a great embarrassment. This leads to people pretending it wasn't them who ordered the weather this way, which will lead to a reversal of Mark Twain's famous quote: everybody does things about the weather, but no one talks about it.
Steve: The aliens are already here. Why don't we know it?
Stephen: The aliens from the 8th dimension really landed in New Jersey back in the mid-80s, and Buckaroo Bonzai tried to warn us about it, but the aliens kidnapped the producers and told us it was all really just a silly science fiction movie. But some of us know better. After all, if it was really a movie, why wasn't there ever a sequel? They promised us one called Buckaroo Bonzai versus the World Crime League, but it never showed up, did it? Peter Weller wouldn't play along with them, so they locked him in a metal suit and called him Robocop, but nobody saw his face, did they? Want more proof? John Lithgow even came out and admitted being an alien on network television. Why won't anyone believe me?
Steve: If you could redecorate, what would the new color of the sky be?
Stephen: The sky would not be a single new color, but rather a mixture of blues and pinks, like a glorious Maxfield Parrish sunset all day long.
Steve: You can genetically crossbreed any two animals. Which would they be and what would you call the new species? What would it be like?
Stephen: I'd cross a seeing-eye dog with a parrot, so that not only would it help you across the street, it could also read to you and eliminate the need for Braille.
Steve: They say every cloud has a silver lining. Assuming yours doesn't, what kind of lining does it have?
Stephen: Aluminum. Corrugated aluminum, to be exact, like house siding. It's durable, with a long guarantee and it doesn't rust from the rain. On the other hand, it's just kinda there, whether you want it there or not. Not all that exciting, really. Sort of the way my clouds have been lately.
Steve: What is your favorite food?
Stephen: My favorite food is sushi and chocolate. No, that's two. My two favorite foods are sushi and chocolate and heat-in-the-oven pizza rolls. Drat. Three. My three favorite foods are sushi, chocolate, pizza rolls and maraschino cherries. Oh blast. I'd better go sit in the comfy chair and sort this one out.
Steve: Which television character from a well known sitcom would make a good president?
Stephen: Definitely Rob Petrie from The Dick Van Dyke Show. He's steady and dependable, and his press conferences would really be well-written and entertaining. Plus we'd have the sexiest First Lady in history who could reel her husband in if he gets out of line with a simple "Oh, Rob." Unlike our current president, he'd be able to learn from his mistakes--it only took him two years to learn not to trip over that dumb hassock in the living room. Buddy could be Secretary of Defense and Sally would be National Security Advisor. Mel Cooley would make a decent Attorney General.
I'm stuck regarding vice president. The safest bet would be the astronaut Larry Hagman played in I Dream of Jeannie, a decorated military officer with a good head on his shoulders (and a genie to help him out of tight spots). Or Bill Dailey, also an officer and a great natural sidekick. There's also Jed Clampett, who would be just full of mountain wisdom and good old common sense.
But I think I've settled on Gomez Addams for VP. He'd certainly make life interesting, and he'd be great life insurance for Rob. No one would dare assassinate the president and elevate Gomez to the office.
Steve: Why do rainbows piss you off?
Stephen: This is a trick question, right? Rainbows piss me off for the exact same reason they piss everyone off--because they promise beauty, but they're just an illusion.
Steve: You're an author, dammit. Promote yourself!
Stephen: Oh, now I see what this is all about. This isn't really a question, is it? It's an attempt to show me up as a shallow, money-grubbing hack. You think you can trick me into saying that I've got more than 30 published books to my credit, such as THE ETERNITY BRIGADE, ASSAULT ON THE GODS and A WORLD CALLED SOLITUDE, or into pointing out that my most recent projects have been a 4-book Arabian Nights fantasy series called The PARSINA SAGA and two books (so far) in collaboration with my wife, Mary Mason, about the exciting adventures of female space mercenary Jade Darcy. I'll bet you even think you can con me into referring people to my web site at http://stephengoldin.com, or tell them they can get copies of my books through my other site, http://parsina.com.
Well, my friend, you've made a serious miscalculation. I'm not that much dumber than I look. After all, I chose a great first name, didn't I?
In Chicago, at the 58th World Science Fiction Convention, I got to sit down and eat lunch with him, my highlight of the con. I am happy to say Stephen Goldin is one of those authors who's as nice as he is talented.
Here's what he had to say in this Author Interview from Hell.
Stephen: By 2100 we will have learned to control the weather on a small scale. It will be possible, for instance, to create a small rainshower within a couple blocks radius. This could lead to its own problems, however. You might want a shower to water your lawn, only to discover that your neighbor has scheduled her daughter's outdoor wedding for that day, which would be a great embarrassment. This leads to people pretending it wasn't them who ordered the weather this way, which will lead to a reversal of Mark Twain's famous quote: everybody does things about the weather, but no one talks about it.
Steve: The aliens are already here. Why don't we know it?
Stephen: The aliens from the 8th dimension really landed in New Jersey back in the mid-80s, and Buckaroo Bonzai tried to warn us about it, but the aliens kidnapped the producers and told us it was all really just a silly science fiction movie. But some of us know better. After all, if it was really a movie, why wasn't there ever a sequel? They promised us one called Buckaroo Bonzai versus the World Crime League, but it never showed up, did it? Peter Weller wouldn't play along with them, so they locked him in a metal suit and called him Robocop, but nobody saw his face, did they? Want more proof? John Lithgow even came out and admitted being an alien on network television. Why won't anyone believe me?
Steve: If you could redecorate, what would the new color of the sky be?
Stephen: The sky would not be a single new color, but rather a mixture of blues and pinks, like a glorious Maxfield Parrish sunset all day long.
Steve: You can genetically crossbreed any two animals. Which would they be and what would you call the new species? What would it be like?
Stephen: I'd cross a seeing-eye dog with a parrot, so that not only would it help you across the street, it could also read to you and eliminate the need for Braille.
Steve: They say every cloud has a silver lining. Assuming yours doesn't, what kind of lining does it have?
Stephen: Aluminum. Corrugated aluminum, to be exact, like house siding. It's durable, with a long guarantee and it doesn't rust from the rain. On the other hand, it's just kinda there, whether you want it there or not. Not all that exciting, really. Sort of the way my clouds have been lately.
Steve: What is your favorite food?
Stephen: My favorite food is sushi and chocolate. No, that's two. My two favorite foods are sushi and chocolate and heat-in-the-oven pizza rolls. Drat. Three. My three favorite foods are sushi, chocolate, pizza rolls and maraschino cherries. Oh blast. I'd better go sit in the comfy chair and sort this one out.
Steve: Which television character from a well known sitcom would make a good president?
Stephen: Definitely Rob Petrie from The Dick Van Dyke Show. He's steady and dependable, and his press conferences would really be well-written and entertaining. Plus we'd have the sexiest First Lady in history who could reel her husband in if he gets out of line with a simple "Oh, Rob." Unlike our current president, he'd be able to learn from his mistakes--it only took him two years to learn not to trip over that dumb hassock in the living room. Buddy could be Secretary of Defense and Sally would be National Security Advisor. Mel Cooley would make a decent Attorney General.
I'm stuck regarding vice president. The safest bet would be the astronaut Larry Hagman played in I Dream of Jeannie, a decorated military officer with a good head on his shoulders (and a genie to help him out of tight spots). Or Bill Dailey, also an officer and a great natural sidekick. There's also Jed Clampett, who would be just full of mountain wisdom and good old common sense.
But I think I've settled on Gomez Addams for VP. He'd certainly make life interesting, and he'd be great life insurance for Rob. No one would dare assassinate the president and elevate Gomez to the office.
Steve: Why do rainbows piss you off?
Stephen: This is a trick question, right? Rainbows piss me off for the exact same reason they piss everyone off--because they promise beauty, but they're just an illusion.
Steve: You're an author, dammit. Promote yourself!
Stephen: Oh, now I see what this is all about. This isn't really a question, is it? It's an attempt to show me up as a shallow, money-grubbing hack. You think you can trick me into saying that I've got more than 30 published books to my credit, such as THE ETERNITY BRIGADE, ASSAULT ON THE GODS and A WORLD CALLED SOLITUDE, or into pointing out that my most recent projects have been a 4-book Arabian Nights fantasy series called The PARSINA SAGA and two books (so far) in collaboration with my wife, Mary Mason, about the exciting adventures of female space mercenary Jade Darcy. I'll bet you even think you can con me into referring people to my web site at http://stephengoldin.com, or tell them they can get copies of my books through my other site, http://parsina.com.
Well, my friend, you've made a serious miscalculation. I'm not that much dumber than I look. After all, I chose a great first name, didn't I?
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