I first became close to Robert Marcom during my stint with E-guild, which ended with me resigning my presidency and Robert taking over. Robert was the perfect choice for the job as he is a man very much dedicated to e-publishing. Robert is the founder of Netauthor, which produces E2K, an excellent monthly literary magazine. Robert's short fiction has appeared in various online zines, and he is the proud father of Darkly, Darkly, a collection of stories that will bend your mind.
And speaking of mind-bending, here's what Robert had to say, in response to his Author Interview from Hell.
Steve: You've discovered a new planet in our solar system. What would you name it and why?
Robert: Since I'm an amateur astronomer, the idea of finding a new planet really appeals to me. Planets are traditionally named for Greek and Roman gods in our solar system. To heck with that. I'd name it Bokonon, in honor of Kurt Vonnegut's faux god in Cat's Cradle.
If Bokonon turned out to have life, the name might encourage them not to mess with stuff they don't need--like Ice-9. 'Busy, busy,' as Bokononistas say.
Steve: What word doesn't exist in the English language, but should?
Robert: Scientician: From "The Simpson's" on Fox Network. I think there should be a title to refer to all us Pyramid-hat People. Those of us who want to believe that there is still room for mystical, magical happenings deserve a dignified title. Those of us who
prefer spiritualism to things like 'dark matter' and 'quantum flux' need to claim authority through credentials and jargon.
This is not to be confused with Scientology. Those people are just strange. They think John Travolta is an actor.
Steve: What ancient civilization would you like to visit and why?
Robert: An easy one: none of them. Ancient civilizations have one thing in common, no matter which one is contemplated: no TV, Internet, recliner chairs or remote controls. Due to extensive research and my training in anthropology/archaeology, I've
discovered this underreported truth. Those people were frequently uncomfortable, ill and
bored. Who would want that, when all you have to do is (live in the future!) learn how to breathe caustic chemicals and digest cholesterol, instead?
Steve: What makes you really angry?
Robert: Bill Gates. I'm sorry you brought this up. I was having such a good time until now. All the residents of the Marcom household, including Mitzi the cat and Goldie the (usual suspect) dog, are familiar with my battle cry: Bill-you-no-good*@##$%%&**Gates! Come out and fight: mano a mano!
Other things that drive me into uncontrollable paroxysms of acrimonious perturbation include TV, the Internet and dead batteries in my remote control.
Steve: Thank someone you've never thanked before, but should have.
Robert: I wish I could locate Mr. Norwood, my 7th grade English and Home Room
teacher. I would like to tell him how grateful I am for his encouragement and wisdom. He stood by me, when I turned in a writing assignment and was accused of copying it.
"Hey, I read that somewhere before!"
"No you din't! I wrote it!"
"Mr. Norwood, Marcom must've copied that. I know I saw it somewhere...."
"You take that back!"
"Won't!" &etc.
Once, during Home Room, he caught me torturing the girl seated in a desk in front of mine. He grabbed my collar from behind, lifted me clear of my desk in one clean-jerk, and bum-rushed me through the classroom door.
His demeanor changed immediately upon closing the door. Mr. Norwood smoothed my seriously wrenched shirt collar, then asked me if I would like a drink of water. We walked to the water fountain and I took a drink after the fashion of a defenseless faun drinking under the gaze of a ravenous mountain lion. On our way back to class, Mr. Norwood put his arm around my shoulder and said:
"You know Bobby," not knowing that I hated being called Bobby, he continued,
"...girls are not like us. You have to learn to treat them differently than boys."
I've always treated girls differently from boys since that day. Bokonon only knows how I would be treating girls now, if Mr. Norwood had not given me wisdom.
Steve: Is it better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all? Why or why not?
Robert: I always try to achieve an armed truce with love. One cannot help falling in love, but the truly urbane and socially responsible person will try to wash it off as soon as possible. I've found that I'm completely useless when I'm laying there, having fallen in love and unable to get up. Love can often win, if you don't know how to manage your relationship with it.
As for never having loved at all, I have no idea what that could mean. Everywhere I've ever looked, there is Love--waiting for me to lose my balance and fall. Not wanting Love to have
gone to all that trouble for nothing, I rarely disappoint.
Steve: If you had to write a book in a genre other than the ones you currently write in, which would it be and why?
Robert: Well, I would like to write a romance novel. Or, perhaps one of those steamy Modern Romance Magazine stories. You know the kind: underclothes are being rolled on and off. Passionate caresses, kisses and limb-fondling. The problem is, the images are just so disturbing, I can never remember who the characters are or what the heck they're doing there.
I wish I was a better fiction writer. I can do thought-provoking scifi and fantasy, but it's all head-trip stuff. I cause people to think about things, and that seems to be a death knell for popular fiction. I would like to be able to captivate with errata and trivia. I would love to be able to exploit emotions, convince people that a fictional event really matters, and lead them deep into a fiction with complete suspension of their disbelief. I have no intentions of running for Governor of California, though.
Steve: If you could be any type of fish, what kind would you be and why?
Robert: If I could be any kind of fish from any geological period, I would choose the extinct shark, Carcharodon, megalodon. Why fool around? This thing was fifty feet long and had teeth by the hundreds, each one six inches long and razor-sharp. What publisher could say 'no' to that? What editor would dare challenge me? I wouldn't be as good a writer, but I'd be much more wealthy, I'm sure. Yeah, I know. It's an ego thing, but I'm not in this racket because I want to be ignored and forgotten. The megalodons have been extinct for 5
million years, but they're still remembered. So, think about that, Mr. Editor.
Steve: This is an interview dammit! Promote yourself.
Robert: Focus groups say that you should never use the words 'buy my book' and 'oh-g_d, please' in the same sentence, but I'm desperate to get Digging Up Texas and Darkly, Darkly, into the hands of readers everywhere.
Digging Up Texas, Republic of Texas Press, ISBN 1-55622-937-2. Learn the pithy truth behind the Laura Croft and Indiana Jones myths! Real archeologists, or just potential governors of California? You decide.
Darkly, Darkly: Twilight Times Press, ISBN 1-931201-63-3. Very little fondling. I will take your head to strange places.
Or, visit http://robertmarcom.com if you think you need more of this. Thanks for humoring me, Steve. Now here's a guy who knows how to write fiction, dear readers. How do you feel about fondling, Steve?
Steve: Fondling is one of my favorite after-writing past times Robert, so I'd have to say I'm fond of fondling. Actually, the other day, I was fondly fondling and foundling, which I quite enjoyed. Aren't you sorry you asked?
And speaking of mind-bending, here's what Robert had to say, in response to his Author Interview from Hell.
Robert: Since I'm an amateur astronomer, the idea of finding a new planet really appeals to me. Planets are traditionally named for Greek and Roman gods in our solar system. To heck with that. I'd name it Bokonon, in honor of Kurt Vonnegut's faux god in Cat's Cradle.
If Bokonon turned out to have life, the name might encourage them not to mess with stuff they don't need--like Ice-9. 'Busy, busy,' as Bokononistas say.
Steve: What word doesn't exist in the English language, but should?
Robert: Scientician: From "The Simpson's" on Fox Network. I think there should be a title to refer to all us Pyramid-hat People. Those of us who want to believe that there is still room for mystical, magical happenings deserve a dignified title. Those of us who prefer spiritualism to things like 'dark matter' and 'quantum flux' need to claim authority through credentials and jargon.
This is not to be confused with Scientology. Those people are just strange. They think John Travolta is an actor.
Steve: What ancient civilization would you like to visit and why?
Robert: An easy one: none of them. Ancient civilizations have one thing in common, no matter which one is contemplated: no TV, Internet, recliner chairs or remote controls. Due to extensive research and my training in anthropology/archaeology, I've discovered this underreported truth. Those people were frequently uncomfortable, ill and bored. Who would want that, when all you have to do is (live in the future!) learn how to breathe caustic chemicals and digest cholesterol, instead?
Steve: What makes you really angry?
Robert: Bill Gates. I'm sorry you brought this up. I was having such a good time until now. All the residents of the Marcom household, including Mitzi the cat and Goldie the (usual suspect) dog, are familiar with my battle cry: Bill-you-no-good*@##$%%&**Gates! Come out and fight: mano a mano!
Other things that drive me into uncontrollable paroxysms of acrimonious perturbation include TV, the Internet and dead batteries in my remote control.
Steve: Thank someone you've never thanked before, but should have.
Robert: I wish I could locate Mr. Norwood, my 7th grade English and Home Room teacher. I would like to tell him how grateful I am for his encouragement and wisdom. He stood by me, when I turned in a writing assignment and was accused of copying it.
"Hey, I read that somewhere before!"Once, during Home Room, he caught me torturing the girl seated in a desk in front of mine. He grabbed my collar from behind, lifted me clear of my desk in one clean-jerk, and bum-rushed me through the classroom door.
"No you din't! I wrote it!"
"Mr. Norwood, Marcom must've copied that. I know I saw it somewhere...."
"You take that back!"
"Won't!" &etc.
His demeanor changed immediately upon closing the door. Mr. Norwood smoothed my seriously wrenched shirt collar, then asked me if I would like a drink of water. We walked to the water fountain and I took a drink after the fashion of a defenseless faun drinking under the gaze of a ravenous mountain lion. On our way back to class, Mr. Norwood put his arm around my shoulder and said:
"You know Bobby," not knowing that I hated being called Bobby, he continued,I've always treated girls differently from boys since that day. Bokonon only knows how I would be treating girls now, if Mr. Norwood had not given me wisdom.
"...girls are not like us. You have to learn to treat them differently than boys."
Steve: Is it better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all? Why or why not?
Robert: I always try to achieve an armed truce with love. One cannot help falling in love, but the truly urbane and socially responsible person will try to wash it off as soon as possible. I've found that I'm completely useless when I'm laying there, having fallen in love and unable to get up. Love can often win, if you don't know how to manage your relationship with it.
As for never having loved at all, I have no idea what that could mean. Everywhere I've ever looked, there is Love--waiting for me to lose my balance and fall. Not wanting Love to have gone to all that trouble for nothing, I rarely disappoint.
Steve: If you had to write a book in a genre other than the ones you currently write in, which would it be and why?
Robert: Well, I would like to write a romance novel. Or, perhaps one of those steamy Modern Romance Magazine stories. You know the kind: underclothes are being rolled on and off. Passionate caresses, kisses and limb-fondling. The problem is, the images are just so disturbing, I can never remember who the characters are or what the heck they're doing there.
I wish I was a better fiction writer. I can do thought-provoking scifi and fantasy, but it's all head-trip stuff. I cause people to think about things, and that seems to be a death knell for popular fiction. I would like to be able to captivate with errata and trivia. I would love to be able to exploit emotions, convince people that a fictional event really matters, and lead them deep into a fiction with complete suspension of their disbelief. I have no intentions of running for Governor of California, though.
Steve: If you could be any type of fish, what kind would you be and why?
Robert: If I could be any kind of fish from any geological period, I would choose the extinct shark, Carcharodon, megalodon. Why fool around? This thing was fifty feet long and had teeth by the hundreds, each one six inches long and razor-sharp. What publisher could say 'no' to that? What editor would dare challenge me? I wouldn't be as good a writer, but I'd be much more wealthy, I'm sure. Yeah, I know. It's an ego thing, but I'm not in this racket because I want to be ignored and forgotten. The megalodons have been extinct for 5 million years, but they're still remembered. So, think about that, Mr. Editor.
Steve: This is an interview dammit! Promote yourself.
Robert: Focus groups say that you should never use the words 'buy my book' and 'oh-g_d, please' in the same sentence, but I'm desperate to get Digging Up Texas and Darkly, Darkly, into the hands of readers everywhere.
Digging Up Texas, Republic of Texas Press, ISBN 1-55622-937-2. Learn the pithy truth behind the Laura Croft and Indiana Jones myths! Real archeologists, or just potential governors of California? You decide.
Darkly, Darkly: Twilight Times Press, ISBN 1-931201-63-3. Very little fondling. I will take your head to strange places.
Or, visit http://robertmarcom.com if you think you need more of this. Thanks for humoring me, Steve. Now here's a guy who knows how to write fiction, dear readers. How do you feel about fondling, Steve?
Steve: Fondling is one of my favorite after-writing past times Robert, so I'd have to say I'm fond of fondling. Actually, the other day, I was fondly fondling and foundling, which I quite enjoyed. Aren't you sorry you asked?
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