I ran into Lisa DuMond's work surfing around the web one day. I literally surfed into her story, became involved, didn't watch where I was going and wiped out on a wave. Naturally I signed her guestbook. Lisa, who loves fanmail (as we all do), immediately emailed me and thus our friendship was born.
Lisa and I have been to the same conventions and co-hosted the first Dream Realm Awards together. We both review for SFSITE, she even manages to tolerate my company for brief stints of time.
If you want to read an AIfH from someone I've actually had dinner with, this is the one. Enjoy!!
Steve: You’ve read A LOT of books. Are there any "original" plots left?
Lisa: Yes, actually, there are. But I am the only one who knows what they
are, so I get to write them. Sure, it's a monopoly, but the US government doesn't care anymore, if you hadn't noticed.
Steve: In the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve ate a fruit from the Tree of
the Knowledge of Good and Evil. It cost them. What was your most "expensive" meal?
Lisa: Please. Anyone who has met you, Steve, knows that any meal spent in
your company is much too dear. Who else can make a simple lunch seem to last forever and prompt wild thoughts, either homicidal or suicidal? After the first five minutes/eternities, any way to put a stop to it seems perfectly reasonable. I would advise anyone considering a dinner
with Laz to phone ahead; not all restaurants think to provide butcher knives with each place setting. Fondue forks will do equally well, as we all learned in "The Omen."
Steve: You wake up, drenched in sweat, heart beating rapidly. What were
you dreaming?
Lisa: It was horrible! I was trapped on another panel with Paul Riddell, Rob
Gates, Mike Moscoe, and Lee Martindale and I couldn't get a word in because they all wanted to hear their own voices! Then, just as all circulation failed in my waving hand, Connie Willis stepped into the room... Fortunately, I woke myself up shrieking.
Steve: What retail store doesn’t exist, that needs to?
Lisa: Everything Looks Fabulous On You! No matter what you buy from there
people insist that you really are too thin. Every colour makes people say you have that glowing, just-laid look. And none of the clothes fit anyone else.
If not that, then why not Everything Lisa, where it's wall-to-wall Lisa DuMond books and there is always a monstrous line at all ten cashiers. All books will be available in any language requested, naturally.
Steve: What’s the very worst thing I could ask you and why?
Lisa: To the prom. I didn't even bother going to my own, because I was
already in my second quarter of college, and now you want me to go? What if there is nothing appropriate at Everything Looks Fabulous On You? What a silly thing to say; of course there would be.
Steve: They say a leopard can’t change it’s spots. What are YOUR spots?
Lisa: I've always been partial to the U.K., personally. Tube stations, the
Tate, the West End, Bryanston Square, the Flying Scotsman, Bangor (home of the best iced buns and scones), Galway's rocky coast, and genuine pubs -- physically, I'm here in Florida, but a large part of me remains in Britain. The minute I win the lottery/hit the bestseller lists, I'm
shopping for a place on a mews near Marble Arch.
Those other spots? Oh, I forgot my body make-up this morning. (I have a prescription for ointment and my doctor swears I can't spread it to anyone.) Let's just say it was an ill-advised, unsuccessful, one-time attempt at inter-species dating. And the gila monster is fine, no matter what the tabloids say. We talk all the time. We will always be there for each other. Until he dies in the next year or so. They don't usually live to be much more than 25, right?
Steve: If you could change one thing about the world today, but it could
only be something silly and superficial, what would it be?
Lisa: My friends are going to roll their eyes at this one; I can hear their
corneas wearing away. That's an easy one! I would love to see the word, concept, allure, and memory of the word "cool" erased forever. The overwhelming hunger to be cool is the driving force in most people lives. Most people who aren't struggling just to survive, that
is. We want people to think we are cool. We can't do that! That's so uncool. We live in fear of being deemed uncool in any way. It controls our behaviour, our thoughts, our decisions, our entire lives. What a pathetic, unworthy goal to devote our energy to. Work to make life better for you and others. Leave this world a better place than when you arrived. Speak up for what is right, fair, compassionate. Say things to make people laugh or smile. Who cares if you might have oh-my-god spit on that one word? You tripped? You are probably the first person ever to do that! STAMP OUT THE CULT OF COOL!
Oh, and wear the right pants size, folks. If you are buckling your belt under your ass, something is wrong in this picture. Put a mirror in your house for my sake and for the sake of gracious living! You look ridiculous. Honestly...
Steve: What sport doesn’t exist that should have been invented? Give us an
example of some of the rules.
Lisa: Serial Criminal Dodge Ball!
So very much like dodge ball, but you'll wish you were wearing serious padding when you are "it". Get out of that confining, dull cell on death row or redefine the sentence of "lifer". Enjoy the open air and sunshine while perfecting your high jump, tumbling, ability not-to-be-seen, and short sprints. Participants/victims may bring their own bowling ball or borrow one from the concession stand. Loaner balls range from two pounds to twenty. Participants/inmates cannot leave the circle of play, unless they know how to climb vertical concrete walls
like a spider.
Want to know more? Read about it at your local library of law enforcement office.
Steve: This is an interview, dammit, promote yourself!
Lisa: Are you telling me there are some people who have not discovered my
unique genius? Surely, they've all read DARKERS. Their bookshelves obviously contain a pristine copy of TOURNIQUET HEART, with a platinum bookmark set at "Some Enchanted Evening". They snapped up copies of RANDOM PLANETS: A SCIFAIKUS ANTHOLOGY and UNSPEAKABLE LIMERICKS from
Sam's Dot Publishing ages ago when they first came out. Not a day goes by that they don't scour every corner of the world for new reviews, interviews, articles, novels, and short stories by Lisa DuMond. In fact, they are setting aside a special cache to buy one of the first copies of DARKERS when Hard Shell Word Factory publishes the paperback. Undoubtedly, everyone would like to see more of my fiction in magazine, anthologies, etc. Ask your favourite publisher when they will be carrying more Lisa DuMond. Berate bookstores who don't know my name. Insist on Lisa DuMond! Wonder aloud in front of Dave Hartwell (or your favourite editor to stalk at cons) why their list contains none of that magical element... Lisa DuMond.
Lisa and I have been to the same conventions and co-hosted the first Dream Realm Awards together. We both review for SFSITE, she even manages to tolerate my company for brief stints of time.
If you want to read an AIfH from someone I've actually had dinner with, this is the one. Enjoy!!
Lisa: Yes, actually, there are. But I am the only one who knows what they are, so I get to write them. Sure, it's a monopoly, but the US government doesn't care anymore, if you hadn't noticed.
Steve: In the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve ate a fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. It cost them. What was your most "expensive" meal?
Lisa: Please. Anyone who has met you, Steve, knows that any meal spent in your company is much too dear. Who else can make a simple lunch seem to last forever and prompt wild thoughts, either homicidal or suicidal? After the first five minutes/eternities, any way to put a stop to it seems perfectly reasonable. I would advise anyone considering a dinner with Laz to phone ahead; not all restaurants think to provide butcher knives with each place setting. Fondue forks will do equally well, as we all learned in "The Omen."
Steve: You wake up, drenched in sweat, heart beating rapidly. What were you dreaming?
Lisa: It was horrible! I was trapped on another panel with Paul Riddell, Rob Gates, Mike Moscoe, and Lee Martindale and I couldn't get a word in because they all wanted to hear their own voices! Then, just as all circulation failed in my waving hand, Connie Willis stepped into the room... Fortunately, I woke myself up shrieking.
Steve: What retail store doesn’t exist, that needs to?
Lisa: Everything Looks Fabulous On You! No matter what you buy from there people insist that you really are too thin. Every colour makes people say you have that glowing, just-laid look. And none of the clothes fit anyone else.
If not that, then why not Everything Lisa, where it's wall-to-wall Lisa DuMond books and there is always a monstrous line at all ten cashiers. All books will be available in any language requested, naturally.
Steve: What’s the very worst thing I could ask you and why?
Lisa: To the prom. I didn't even bother going to my own, because I was already in my second quarter of college, and now you want me to go? What if there is nothing appropriate at Everything Looks Fabulous On You? What a silly thing to say; of course there would be.
Steve: They say a leopard can’t change it’s spots. What are YOUR spots?
Lisa: I've always been partial to the U.K., personally. Tube stations, the Tate, the West End, Bryanston Square, the Flying Scotsman, Bangor (home of the best iced buns and scones), Galway's rocky coast, and genuine pubs -- physically, I'm here in Florida, but a large part of me remains in Britain. The minute I win the lottery/hit the bestseller lists, I'm shopping for a place on a mews near Marble Arch.
Those other spots? Oh, I forgot my body make-up this morning. (I have a prescription for ointment and my doctor swears I can't spread it to anyone.) Let's just say it was an ill-advised, unsuccessful, one-time attempt at inter-species dating. And the gila monster is fine, no matter what the tabloids say. We talk all the time. We will always be there for each other. Until he dies in the next year or so. They don't usually live to be much more than 25, right?
Steve: If you could change one thing about the world today, but it could only be something silly and superficial, what would it be?
Lisa: My friends are going to roll their eyes at this one; I can hear their corneas wearing away. That's an easy one! I would love to see the word, concept, allure, and memory of the word "cool" erased forever. The overwhelming hunger to be cool is the driving force in most people lives. Most people who aren't struggling just to survive, that is. We want people to think we are cool. We can't do that! That's so uncool. We live in fear of being deemed uncool in any way. It controls our behaviour, our thoughts, our decisions, our entire lives. What a pathetic, unworthy goal to devote our energy to. Work to make life better for you and others. Leave this world a better place than when you arrived. Speak up for what is right, fair, compassionate. Say things to make people laugh or smile. Who cares if you might have oh-my-god spit on that one word? You tripped? You are probably the first person ever to do that! STAMP OUT THE CULT OF COOL!
Oh, and wear the right pants size, folks. If you are buckling your belt under your ass, something is wrong in this picture. Put a mirror in your house for my sake and for the sake of gracious living! You look ridiculous. Honestly...
Steve: What sport doesn’t exist that should have been invented? Give us an example of some of the rules.
Lisa: Serial Criminal Dodge Ball!
So very much like dodge ball, but you'll wish you were wearing serious padding when you are "it". Get out of that confining, dull cell on death row or redefine the sentence of "lifer". Enjoy the open air and sunshine while perfecting your high jump, tumbling, ability not-to-be-seen, and short sprints. Participants/victims may bring their own bowling ball or borrow one from the concession stand. Loaner balls range from two pounds to twenty. Participants/inmates cannot leave the circle of play, unless they know how to climb vertical concrete walls like a spider.
Want to know more? Read about it at your local library of law enforcement office.
Steve: This is an interview, dammit, promote yourself!
Lisa: Are you telling me there are some people who have not discovered my unique genius? Surely, they've all read DARKERS. Their bookshelves obviously contain a pristine copy of TOURNIQUET HEART, with a platinum bookmark set at "Some Enchanted Evening". They snapped up copies of RANDOM PLANETS: A SCIFAIKUS ANTHOLOGY and UNSPEAKABLE LIMERICKS from Sam's Dot Publishing ages ago when they first came out. Not a day goes by that they don't scour every corner of the world for new reviews, interviews, articles, novels, and short stories by Lisa DuMond. In fact, they are setting aside a special cache to buy one of the first copies of DARKERS when Hard Shell Word Factory publishes the paperback. Undoubtedly, everyone would like to see more of my fiction in magazine, anthologies, etc. Ask your favourite publisher when they will be carrying more Lisa DuMond. Berate bookstores who don't know my name. Insist on Lisa DuMond! Wonder aloud in front of Dave Hartwell (or your favourite editor to stalk at cons) why their list contains none of that magical element... Lisa DuMond.
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